Below are the 4 most recent journal entries recorded in vanwafea's LiveJournal:

Monday, December 19th, 2005
7:02 pm	The Return of Vanwafea So the relationship that I happened to find was lost last week. I'm incredibly torn up about it. I'm frustrated with my friends, my family, my ex. I'm frustrated with my family because my mom gave me about 15 minutes of her time before she concluded that she couldn't do anything and cut the convo short. My eldest sister who I have called and emailed and tried to reach out to finally got back to me on Sunday, leaving a voicemail on the phone. My friends have not asked me how I'm feeling about the breakup since Wednesday. Indeed we were together in a car this weekend for many hours and nothing was ever even mentioned. And my ex has already started dating anew, despite the fact that he told me the night he broke it off that he needed some time before he got into a new relationship. To my family: Fuck you. You just don't get it. I'm not going to change. I'm not going to make myself fit into a perfect mold that you created for me. I'm a fucking fag. A homosexual. I'm gay. I'm queer. I'm all of those things and a whole lot more. So get over it or disown me and get it overwith. Quit jerking me around with your own reservations. To my friends: Open your damn eyes. For fuck's sake, I feel like I'm a fucking pillar of support in each and every one of your lives. Ya know, when you need me, I'm fucking there. Some of you have been great. Others of you have been complete shit. If you take offense, I'm not sorry. I'm just done apologizing for being fucking alive and for putting my goddamn feelings second to everyone elses. Again, I'm sorry that I don't meet your expectations of how you want me to be. I'm sorry if you disapprove of who I'm seeing. Fucking get over it. Its not your fucking life. I'm not hunkering down for a life under everyone's finger. To my ex: I know I said that I would be supportive of you seeing others and that I wouldn't be a good friend if I couldn't do that. I'm sorry. I was completely fucking wrong. I'm fucking furious that the fucking day after we broke up that you are finding someone that you can already see committing with. Or that you have already found someone special enough to have sex with. I feel used and cheated. I was ready to commit. I was ready to align my goals with yours. I was ready to live with you and to love you forever. I was ready to spend a lifetime waking up every morning next to you. I was ready to make something really special happen. And after you told me that you were so afraid of dating someone my age because they tend to run away at the first sign of struggle it turned out to be you who ran away. And you can say that I don't understand at all, but I fucking do understand. I understand that you were afraid that I wasn't afraid. I understand that your cock-and-bull story of levels of commitment or where we are at in our lives being an obstacle was a convenient excuse to latch onto for you to initiate a breakup. Know this if you understand anything. This was not mutual. If I had been smart, I would have fought for you and I didn't and that makes me the one of the two stupidest people on earth. You're the other one for running away. To all of you: But you know what. I don't hate a single one of you. I can't. I won't. And if any of you read this and figure it out and are hurt and offended you will have started to grasp how I'm feeling right now. I'm feeling used, betrayed and cast aside. And you know the fucking clincher? I fucking love every single one of you. Despite being so fucking angry at each and every one of you, I'm incapable of hating you. You might hate me now for all that I've said, but I don't take any of it back. I can't and I won't. So maybe I've damaged things beyond repair now. Maybe I've completely fucked everything over real good by saying all this. But its whats really been on my mind and if I were a stronger person, I would say this to your faces but I'm not. Ultimately, I'm just a damn coward who knows no one is going to ever read this or take notice. Because that the way it is. That is what I do. Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 6th, 2005
12:18 pm	Profile changes, left face So Sunday night I stayed up extremely late. During my time up I changed my profile. Well, change isn't accurate. I updated it and changed some wordings and such. Basically, my goal was to send a clear message that hooking-up was not what I was about under any circumstances and that my goal if any from gay.com was to find someone with whom to enjoy a long-term relationship. Apparently, whatever I changed worked. The following day, I woke up very early and logged on immediately, per normal on a day off. Within about 20 minutes of logging on I get a private message from a really nice guy from Michigan who comes to Minneapolis pretty frequently. His intent is apparently to move here soon. He has a masters in molecular genetics. What a trip it was keeping up with him in conversation! He was just so atypical of gay.com. "Are you a unicorn?" came to mind ala Margaret Cho. Anyway, we exchanged phone numbers for when he comes into the cities next. And yes, he did have pictures. He has a surfer guy look to him and was very pretty to look at. ;) Last night, I ended up talking with someone local who was just darling. He's 23 and we had an enthusiastic conversation about our nieces/nephews and what we do and such. I was just kind of floored. Two really cool guys in one day who aren't blatently looking for a hookup and who took a genuine interest in my profile. It was just so delightful to have such fantastic conversations with two such amazing people. Knock on wood, but I think things are getting on track. (Comment on this)
Monday, September 5th, 2005
9:12 pm	Fears and Woes So last night I nearly made what I feel would have been the stupidest decision of my life. I nearly hooked up with a guy from the net. I've reached some kind of threshold where sex seems absolutely essential for a healthy functional life. The same could be true of having a significant other. Well, moreso, actually. I think having someone to share my life with would help balance who I am. I'm so frustrated with myself and my situation. I'm frustrated with myself because I'm too afraid to lower my guard long enough to let someone special in and I'm frustrated with my situation because it seems to have such a limited number of really quality guys. I'm just so good at listening to others and being objective and helping them. Why can't I have the same for myself? All I want is a boyfriend who is a decent person. Shit I'll take even semi-decent. I just want someone else. I want to get past my fears of relationships and sex and such. Why won't I give myself that chance? Is it supposed to be this difficult to find someone else who is a good match? I just feel like I'm a rogue piece in a jigsaw puzzle, not really belonging at all. (Comment on this)
11:43 am	So this is a livejournal about my frustrations with my relationship status as well as any number of other things that come to mind. Generally, I'll try to keep it to my singleness but expect to see frustrations about others as well on here. Those of you that may find this offensive are welcome to discontinue reading. I need at least one place to voice my frustrations with others. Confrontation on this journal is in no way, shape or form accepted. I will defriend you on both my livejournals should you choose to pick an arguement about a post that is made here. So there it is. (Comment on this)